1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,701 PAM: Yam! Yom! Yom! LANA: Stop. Stop it. 2 00:00:02,708 --> 00:00:04,708 PAM: Yah! Huh! Yum! Yum! Yum! LANA: Pam! 3 00:00:04,715 --> 00:00:07,082 PAM: Yum-yum-yum! Yum-yum-yum! Gimme! Gimme! 4 00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:10,158 Yum-yum! Gimme! LANA: Goddamn it, will you 5 00:00:10,168 --> 00:00:13,007 calm the shit down?! PAM: Wow. 6 00:00:13,135 --> 00:00:15,135 LANA: Well?! This isn't good practice. 7 00:00:15,142 --> 00:00:17,609 My baby's not gonna be a coke addict! 8 00:00:17,617 --> 00:00:19,450 PAM: Wow. LANA: Oh, I'm sorry. 9 00:00:19,457 --> 00:00:22,592 What would you like to call it? PAM: Mm, cocaine enthusiast? 10 00:00:22,602 --> 00:00:25,670 CHERLENE: Is it too late to not have it? 11 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,181 LANA: Yes! For the jillionth time, I want this baby, so... 12 00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:32,093 MALORY: Well, sure, now. Wait until you're waist-deep in 13 00:00:32,102 --> 00:00:35,670 dirty diapers, or he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon 14 00:00:35,682 --> 00:00:38,316 in the house. (coughs) 15 00:00:38,324 --> 00:00:41,125 Ugh! Then fast-forward to him 16 00:00:41,135 --> 00:00:43,802 knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and 17 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:48,146 then singlehandedly bankrupting your drug cartel! 18 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,260 PAM: Wait-- college? LANA: Yeah, right? 19 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,701 MALORY: My point is... CHERLENE: All babies should 20 00:00:52,709 --> 00:00:55,877 be drowned? (scoffs) Not all babies. 21 00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:58,888 Just baby people. LANA: Don't you have a... 22 00:00:58,898 --> 00:01:00,864 tractor pull to headline? CHERLENE: Yes. 23 00:01:00,871 --> 00:01:02,071 MALORY: No! PAM: Aw... 24 00:01:02,076 --> 00:01:04,009 MALORY: No more of that bush-league nonsense. 25 00:01:04,016 --> 00:01:07,818 We're getting Cherlene a record deal. 26 00:01:07,830 --> 00:01:11,064 Sterling can't screw that up. LANA: Look, I think maybe 27 00:01:11,074 --> 00:01:12,907 Archer's just been trying too hard. 28 00:01:12,914 --> 00:01:14,948 MALORY: Ha! LANA: I'm serious. I mean, 29 00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:17,856 as sad as it is, deep down, he just wants your approval, and 30 00:01:17,866 --> 00:01:20,299 lately you've been putting so much pressure on him. 31 00:01:20,307 --> 00:01:23,442 MALORY: Well? How hard is it to sell 2,000 32 00:01:23,452 --> 00:01:27,387 measly pounds of cocaine?! Or whatever we're down to now, 33 00:01:27,399 --> 00:01:32,702 1,900 and... What?! Pam! You damn coke fiend! 34 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,718 PAM: Ow! Ow! Ow! (Cherlene laughing) 35 00:01:34,725 --> 00:01:38,227 LANA: Malory, stop! MALORY: I mean, did you used 36 00:01:38,238 --> 00:01:40,238 to be a man? LANA: Pam? 37 00:01:40,245 --> 00:01:42,245 PAM: I don't know. Did you? LANA: Have you been 38 00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:44,285 stealing coke? PAM: Wha...? No! 39 00:01:44,292 --> 00:01:46,860 You think, if I had 100 pounds of coke, I'd be sitting here 40 00:01:46,869 --> 00:01:48,869 playing choo-choo-spoon with a tranny? 41 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,509 LANA: Oh, for the...! I'm pregnant! 42 00:01:51,518 --> 00:01:53,552 CHERLENE: It said, baffling medical science. 43 00:01:53,559 --> 00:01:56,293 Ow! (laughs) MALORY: Enough! But, Pam, 44 00:01:56,302 --> 00:01:59,937 I swear to God, if I find out you're lying to me... 45 00:01:59,948 --> 00:02:02,415 PAM: I'm not! About this! MALORY: Well, then where the 46 00:02:02,424 --> 00:02:05,792 hell did it go?! ALL: Oh, you were serious? 47 00:02:05,802 --> 00:02:07,802 ARCHER: Yes! RAY: No! Stop! 48 00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:09,510 ARCHER: Gimme! RAY: Archer, move your... 49 00:02:09,516 --> 00:02:11,048 ARCHER: Ray! RAY: Stop it! 50 00:02:11,054 --> 00:02:13,388 ARCHER: Let me do it! Come on! Just for a minute! 51 00:02:13,396 --> 00:02:15,113 RAY: No! ARCHER: Goddamn it! 52 00:02:15,119 --> 00:02:17,068 What could go wrong?! CYRIL: Uh, you could 53 00:02:17,075 --> 00:02:18,592 crash it! Just like you crashed 54 00:02:18,598 --> 00:02:20,548 the damn space shuttle! ARCHER (chuckles): Oh, my 55 00:02:20,555 --> 00:02:23,922 God, right? Remember that? 56 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:29,237 Ray, you remember? You got paralyzed? (chuckles) 57 00:02:29,253 --> 00:02:32,254 How do you not remember that? 58 00:02:57,490 --> 00:03:08,586 Sync and corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 59 00:03:11,048 --> 00:03:13,467 ARCHER: Oh, my God, Cyril, for the... We're not just 60 00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:16,595 waltzing into Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine. 61 00:03:16,723 --> 00:03:18,740 We're sneaking in under the radar. 62 00:03:18,747 --> 00:03:20,747 RAY: Literally and figuratively. 63 00:03:20,754 --> 00:03:22,754 CYRIL: I... ARCHER: Is there a name 64 00:03:22,762 --> 00:03:25,630 for that when it's both? Like in French or something? 65 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,605 CYRIL: I meant once we get there! 66 00:03:27,612 --> 00:03:29,946 Your plan is to just ask around for...? 67 00:03:29,954 --> 00:03:32,288 ARCHER: La Madrina, yes, the Godmother. 68 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,412 CYRIL: I know what it means. RAY: I hate I took Latin. 69 00:03:34,419 --> 00:03:36,386 ARCHER: Maybe someday you'll meet a mummy. 70 00:03:36,394 --> 00:03:38,644 CYRIL: But what do you think is gonna happen when three 71 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:40,801 gringos waltz in and start asking around for the woman 72 00:03:40,809 --> 00:03:43,744 who runs the entire Cali cartel? ARCHER: Well, again, Cyril, 73 00:03:43,753 --> 00:03:45,753 we won't actually be waltz... CYRIL: You know what I mean! 74 00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:47,761 ARCHER: I also know what I'm doing! 75 00:03:47,768 --> 00:03:49,768 RAY: Yeah, showing mommy who's a big boy. 76 00:03:49,775 --> 00:03:51,808 ARCHER: What?! (Cyril laughs) 77 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,815 Oh, you want to see who's a big boy? 78 00:03:53,822 --> 00:03:56,907 (Cyril and Ray scream) RAY: Archer! 79 00:03:56,917 --> 00:04:01,302 ARCHER: Take it back! RAY: Cyril, help! 80 00:04:01,315 --> 00:04:04,316 CYRIL: Uh, uh... Oh. 81 00:04:04,326 --> 00:04:05,943 ARCHER: Ow! 82 00:04:05,949 --> 00:04:09,500 KRIEGER: Ow! I don't know where Archer is! 83 00:04:09,511 --> 00:04:12,412 MALORY: Then find him, you bearded buffoon! 84 00:04:12,422 --> 00:04:14,755 Use the... the surveillance satellite. 85 00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:16,763 KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious? 86 00:04:16,770 --> 00:04:18,937 MALORY: Wha...?! CHERLENE: Don't ask her that. 87 00:04:18,945 --> 00:04:21,496 She hates it. KRIEGER: ISIS had satellites. 88 00:04:21,504 --> 00:04:23,921 The whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight, 89 00:04:23,929 --> 00:04:25,962 doesn't even have cable. MALORY: But what about 90 00:04:25,970 --> 00:04:27,970 all these? KRIEGER: They're all aimed 91 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,977 inside the house. MALORY: Well, what the hell 92 00:04:29,984 --> 00:04:31,984 good is that for?! KRIEGER: Eh, I'm making 93 00:04:31,991 --> 00:04:33,991 about two grand a month on the Gilfcam. 94 00:04:33,998 --> 00:04:36,132 OTHERS: Ew! MALORY: The what cam? 95 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:39,141 WOODHOUSE: "What is your..." (mumbling) 96 00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:45,121 Hmm. Dear Gilf Hound 69... 97 00:04:45,139 --> 00:04:47,973 ARCHER: Jesus Christ. Thanks for the concussion, 98 00:04:47,982 --> 00:04:50,015 dicks. CYRIL and RAY: Well? 99 00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:52,523 ARCHER: Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how 100 00:04:52,532 --> 00:04:54,782 Len Koenecke died. RAY: Who? 101 00:04:54,789 --> 00:04:58,174 ARCHER: "Who." Typical. (Cyril and Ray gasp) 102 00:04:58,185 --> 00:05:06,141 (burro brays) (all gasp) 103 00:05:06,163 --> 00:05:09,164 RAY: Goddamn it, will you slow the shit down?! 104 00:05:09,174 --> 00:05:12,225 (all yell) ARCHER: I'm sorry, was there 105 00:05:12,235 --> 00:05:14,268 a question? (Cyril and Ray groan) 106 00:05:14,275 --> 00:05:16,826 Because nobody made you two come here. 107 00:05:16,835 --> 00:05:20,169 I didn't put a gun to your heads. 108 00:05:20,179 --> 00:05:22,963 I mean, not literally to your heads. 109 00:05:22,973 --> 00:05:28,026 So, if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel. 110 00:05:28,041 --> 00:05:30,625 RAY: Intel? No, do not compare what we 111 00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:33,718 do now to intelligence work. ARCHER: Don't worry, I won't! 112 00:05:33,728 --> 00:05:37,012 Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really 113 00:05:37,023 --> 00:05:39,991 compare to helping overthrow democratically elected 114 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,951 governments! Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, 115 00:05:42,961 --> 00:05:46,713 Chile, Nicaragua, uh... Oh! Iran?! 116 00:05:46,724 --> 00:05:49,424 Because-- spoiler alert-- those didn't really work out so great! 117 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,067 But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the 118 00:05:52,076 --> 00:05:54,794 future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that 119 00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:58,721 ragtag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan! 120 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:02,468 CYRIL: I... Wow, it seems like you've actually given this 121 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,864 some thought. RAY: Plus, I mean, it's not 122 00:06:04,872 --> 00:06:06,822 like we're selling cocaine to little kids. 123 00:06:06,829 --> 00:06:09,162 CYRIL: And ISIS did do a lot of bad stuff. 124 00:06:09,170 --> 00:06:11,221 RAY: We blew up an oil pipeline. 125 00:06:11,228 --> 00:06:14,029 CYRIL: Not to mention a bunch of people, which, compared to 126 00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:16,405 that, this is kind of a victimless crime. 127 00:06:16,413 --> 00:06:19,330 If it even is a crime. I mean, is it? 128 00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:21,891 ARCHER: He said, sucking at being a lawyer. 129 00:06:21,899 --> 00:06:24,149 CYRIL: I'm actually an excellent lawyer. 130 00:06:24,157 --> 00:06:26,557 ARCHER: And I'm excellent in the field, so... 131 00:06:26,565 --> 00:06:29,032 CYRIL: Maybe at ISIS. But on ISIS missions, you had 132 00:06:29,041 --> 00:06:31,425 big dossiers with all the information you could 133 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,934 possibly need. ARCHER: Yeah, but I never 134 00:06:33,942 --> 00:06:36,943 read them. (crowd gasping) 135 00:06:36,953 --> 00:06:40,121 What's up, pendejos? (clattering, chairs scuffling) 136 00:06:40,131 --> 00:06:44,299 CYRIL: Ay, mierda. RAY: Oh, goddamn Latin. 137 00:06:44,312 --> 00:06:47,564 I just feel like such a tourist. 138 00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:54,628 MALORY: Colombia? What are they doing in Colombia? 139 00:06:54,878 --> 00:06:56,171 KRIEGER: I... MALORY: And how did you know 140 00:06:56,295 --> 00:06:58,024 where they were? I thought you couldn't 141 00:06:58,127 --> 00:06:59,815 track them. KRIEGER: Ray posted a 142 00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:03,323 Snacklesnap. It's where you take artsy photos 143 00:07:03,452 --> 00:07:05,146 of your food and share it with people. 144 00:07:05,152 --> 00:07:06,593 PAM: Snacklesnamps is awesome. 145 00:07:06,722 --> 00:07:09,222 Look, here's some cocaine puddin; here's some more 146 00:07:09,231 --> 00:07:11,314 cocaine puddin. Ooh, cocaine puddin. 147 00:07:11,321 --> 00:07:13,622 MALORY: Why would anyone want a picture of someone else's 148 00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:15,946 food? KRIEGER: Well, no, they 149 00:07:15,954 --> 00:07:17,954 don't. PAM: Yeah, everybody hates 150 00:07:17,961 --> 00:07:19,961 it. CHERLENE: Mmm, 151 00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:22,236 Snacklesnaaamps...! MALORY: But why take cocaine 152 00:07:22,244 --> 00:07:25,478 to Colombia? LANA: I assume as a sample? 153 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,005 To show some cartel boss that our product is high-quality and 154 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,832 already in the States? MALORY: Saving them the 155 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:33,675 transport cost. But those three waltzing around 156 00:07:33,684 --> 00:07:36,452 Colombia with millions of dollars of cocaine?! 157 00:07:36,461 --> 00:07:38,794 My God, they could already be dead! 158 00:07:38,802 --> 00:07:41,336 LANA: Oh, Malory, come on. This is Archer, okay? 159 00:07:41,345 --> 00:07:43,479 He can take care of himself. CHERLENE: Yeah, and I doubt 160 00:07:43,486 --> 00:07:45,652 they were actually waltzing. LANA: I'm sure they're 161 00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:50,563 totally fine. CYRIL: Archer! 162 00:07:50,578 --> 00:07:55,548 ARCHER: Woooohoohoohoooo!! (laughter, cheering) 163 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,813 Here's to you, Hal Needham. (laughter) 164 00:07:58,824 --> 00:08:01,775 (glass shatters) (shouting in Spanish) 165 00:08:01,784 --> 00:08:05,803 Man, why bother with coke? I just made 100,000 pesos for 166 00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:08,600 jumping through a stupid window. CYRIL: Yeah, that's about 167 00:08:08,609 --> 00:08:10,776 $50. ARCHER: Still, though. 168 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,916 BIKER JEFE: ?Dijiste coca?na? ?La quieres? 169 00:08:12,924 --> 00:08:16,759 ARCHER: No, gracias. Yo tengo mucha coca?na. 170 00:08:16,771 --> 00:08:19,973 Por lo tanto, buscamos a La Madrina. 171 00:08:19,983 --> 00:08:22,984 (record scratches) BIKER: Hijo de puta. 172 00:08:22,994 --> 00:08:26,495 (glass shatters) (music begins) 173 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,673 BIKER JEFE: You look for the Godmother? 174 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,564 ARCHER: Yes, for a very lucrative business proposition. 175 00:08:31,574 --> 00:08:35,076 Do you know her or... BIKER JEFE: No, but I can 176 00:08:35,087 --> 00:08:38,004 make a phone call, and someone will come. 177 00:08:38,013 --> 00:08:41,515 Until then, just keep drinking your guaro, huh? 178 00:08:41,526 --> 00:08:43,859 (gulping) ARCHER: About 15 steps ahead 179 00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:46,101 of you. (laughter) 180 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,960 BIKER JEFE: Pinche gringo. (chuckles) 181 00:08:48,969 --> 00:08:50,835 ARCHER: Hmm, see what I did there? 182 00:08:50,842 --> 00:08:52,959 CYRIL: Uh, overdosed on liquid snake? 183 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,966 ARCHER: Made a connection, Cyril. 184 00:08:54,974 --> 00:08:57,575 I gained his trust. (engine running, doors closing) 185 00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,783 Oh, my God. Although, now that you mention 186 00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:02,258 it... (burps) (groans) I think I actually may 187 00:09:02,266 --> 00:09:04,600 have... (retching, groaning) 188 00:09:04,608 --> 00:09:06,608 CYRIL: God. ARCHER: Snake poisoning. 189 00:09:06,615 --> 00:09:09,983 (groans) (laughter) 190 00:09:09,994 --> 00:09:11,994 CYRIL: Damn it, Archer, I told you. 191 00:09:12,001 --> 00:09:14,084 ARCHER: What's that? I can't hear you over the sound 192 00:09:14,092 --> 00:09:17,093 of I have snake poisoning. RAY: Moveri! 193 00:09:17,102 --> 00:09:19,219 Placet moveri, iudices. 194 00:09:19,227 --> 00:09:23,996 (groaning) CYRIL: Well, it's your own 195 00:09:24,010 --> 00:09:26,127 fault. What the... RAY: What're you... 196 00:09:26,134 --> 00:09:28,885 ARCHER: Shh! Shut up. I think I heard a troop truck 197 00:09:28,894 --> 00:09:31,144 pull up out front. (banging) 198 00:09:31,152 --> 00:09:34,904 COMANDANTE: ?No se muevan! ?D?nde est?n? 199 00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:38,167 (Cyril gasps) CYRIL: It's the army. 200 00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:40,761 ARCHER: Shit. It's not the army. 201 00:09:40,770 --> 00:09:43,020 We're not that lucky. They're paramilitarios. 202 00:09:43,028 --> 00:09:45,028 CYRIL: But what do they... (creaking) 203 00:09:45,035 --> 00:09:47,819 Hey, what are you doing? ARCHER: Waiting for you. 204 00:09:47,828 --> 00:09:50,129 And to be honest, having second thoughts about it. 205 00:09:50,137 --> 00:09:53,805 RAY: Serious shit, come on. (Cyril yelps) 206 00:09:53,816 --> 00:09:56,367 (Cyril screams) (Archer chuckles) 207 00:09:56,376 --> 00:09:58,459 COMANDANTE: ?Abre la puerta! (banging) 208 00:09:58,466 --> 00:09:59,865 (Cyril whimpers) 209 00:09:59,871 --> 00:10:05,558 ARCHER: Okay, Ray... RAY: Ow. 210 00:10:05,574 --> 00:10:07,491 CYRIL: Who are these paramilitarios? 211 00:10:07,498 --> 00:10:09,581 ARCHER: Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law 212 00:10:09,589 --> 00:10:12,040 and order because the cops can't or won't... 213 00:10:12,048 --> 00:10:14,265 CYRIL: Well, that doesn't sound too bad. 214 00:10:14,273 --> 00:10:16,473 ARCHER: ...or right-wing terrorists with a boner for 215 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,897 kidnapping and murder. RAY: That does. 216 00:10:18,906 --> 00:10:20,906 ARCHER: Moot point, though, really, if you're an American 217 00:10:20,913 --> 00:10:22,946 down here selling cocaine. I can't believe that guy ratted 218 00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:24,953 us out. CYRIL: Yeah, and after you 219 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,626 made a connection. ARCHER: Now, really? 220 00:10:26,632 --> 00:10:28,516 CYRIL: Well... ARCHER: Shut up. 221 00:10:28,523 --> 00:10:30,740 Ray, hug the shadows, get to the Land Cruiser and be ready. 222 00:10:30,748 --> 00:10:32,998 Don't turn it on. Do not touch the brake pedal. 223 00:10:33,006 --> 00:10:35,490 Cyril, I'm gonna take out the guard; you're gonna take the 224 00:10:35,498 --> 00:10:37,664 truck's distributor cap, got it? CYRIL: Uh... 225 00:10:37,672 --> 00:10:40,140 COMANDANTE: ?Se fueron! (gasping, whistle blowing) 226 00:10:40,148 --> 00:10:42,148 (shouting in Spanish) 227 00:10:42,155 --> 00:10:47,742 PARAMILITARIO: Ay. ?Qu? tiene adentro, hebillas? 228 00:10:47,758 --> 00:10:51,593 ARCHER: Okay, go, go, go, go, go. 229 00:10:51,605 --> 00:10:54,389 CYRIL: But... ARCHER: Look, I realize this 230 00:10:54,399 --> 00:10:58,067 is somewhat my fault, Cyril. We can talk about it later. 231 00:10:58,078 --> 00:11:00,078 (whimpering) 232 00:11:00,085 --> 00:11:05,105 (truck hood opens, man gasps) (gun clicks) 233 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,105 ARCHER: So, funny story. (shouting, gunshots) 234 00:11:09,117 --> 00:11:12,802 (shouting in Spanish) So, hey. 235 00:11:12,814 --> 00:11:15,815 Sorry in advance for this. (man groaning) 236 00:11:15,824 --> 00:11:21,144 (gunshots continue) Cyril, did you get it? 237 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,177 CYRIL: Yes! ARCHER: Then come on! 238 00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:25,184 (Cyril whimpering) 239 00:11:25,191 --> 00:11:29,510 ARCHER: Hit it! (engine starts) 240 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,540 Cyril! CYRIL: I'm coming as fast as 241 00:11:31,548 --> 00:11:33,698 I can! ARCHER: Guys, we really need 242 00:11:33,705 --> 00:11:38,374 to talk about getting "phrasing" back in the rotation. 243 00:11:38,388 --> 00:11:40,822 (laughter) Woooohoohoohoooo!! 244 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,830 Hammer down! 245 00:11:46,026 --> 00:11:50,022 Oh, I'm sorry, Ray. By "hammer," I meant 246 00:11:50,146 --> 00:11:52,397 "accelerator." RAY: It's floored, and it's 247 00:11:52,405 --> 00:11:54,521 overheating. ARCHER: Well, then stop, you 248 00:11:54,529 --> 00:11:56,913 idiot. RAY: I am not the idiot who 249 00:11:56,921 --> 00:11:59,372 packed the engine compartment full of cocaine. 250 00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:01,963 ARCHER: Oh, right. Uh, we should get that out. 251 00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,056 RAY: Good idea, that will give us something to do while we 252 00:12:04,063 --> 00:12:06,530 sit here and wait for those guys to drive up and murder us. 253 00:12:06,538 --> 00:12:08,988 ARCHER: Ray, they're not driving anywhere without a 254 00:12:08,997 --> 00:12:12,632 distributor cap, so... (vehicle approaching) 255 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:15,594 Cyril, may I see the distributor cap? 256 00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:17,971 (Cyril gulps) (Archer chuckles) 257 00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:20,196 Whew, man, Cyril, you had me worried. 258 00:12:20,203 --> 00:12:22,620 CYRIL: I-I did? ARCHER: Yeah, see, I always 259 00:12:22,629 --> 00:12:26,164 worried I would die without knowing how it felt to get my 260 00:12:26,175 --> 00:12:31,112 throat slashed and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole. 261 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:36,529 Are we seriously done with "phrasing"? 262 00:12:36,545 --> 00:12:39,346 I mean, not right then necessarily, although "tongue" 263 00:12:39,355 --> 00:12:42,222 and "gaping hole" are kind of begging for it. 264 00:12:42,232 --> 00:12:46,334 (chuckles) Gaping hole. 265 00:12:46,346 --> 00:12:49,471 Begging for it. Eh... 266 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:55,412 COMANDANTE: Drop your weapon! ARCHER: Drop your weapons. 267 00:12:55,664 --> 00:12:57,105 COMANDANTE: ?Qu?? RAY: Archer! 268 00:12:57,229 --> 00:12:59,255 CYRIL: Are you crazy? They'll kill us. 269 00:12:59,274 --> 00:13:01,435 ARCHER: Will you shut up? I know what I'm doing, Cyril. 270 00:13:01,443 --> 00:13:04,510 It's all about machismo. Last chance! 271 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:09,457 Okay, uno, dos... COMANDANTE: ?No dispare! 272 00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:12,673 ?No dispare! CYRIL: What in the... 273 00:13:12,683 --> 00:13:14,950 ARCHER: I told you, all about the machismo. 274 00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:17,325 RAY: Archer? ARCHER: ?Quien es m?s macho? 275 00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,366 RAY: Archer? ARCHER: S?, Ramon, Archer 276 00:13:19,373 --> 00:13:21,440 es m?s... RAY: Archer! 277 00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:23,547 ARCHER: What?! Oh. 278 00:13:23,555 --> 00:13:26,422 CYRIL: Well, is that the army? 279 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,532 ARCHER: I don't think so. One guy's wearing a T-shirt from 280 00:13:28,539 --> 00:13:31,640 a Phi Mu Fun Run. RAY: We called them Phi Moo. 281 00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:33,850 CYRIL: Well, then who the hell is it? 282 00:13:33,858 --> 00:13:36,959 LA MADRINA: Soy La Madrina. And I think you have been 283 00:13:36,969 --> 00:13:40,921 looking for me, no? ARCHER: Only my whole life. 284 00:13:40,933 --> 00:13:42,983 RAY: Goddamn it. LA MADRINA: ?Oye, tanto! 285 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,940 ?Qu? miras?! COMANDANTE: ?V?monos! 286 00:13:44,947 --> 00:13:47,364 ?V?monos! LA MADRINA: And you, guapo, 287 00:13:47,373 --> 00:13:49,790 you follow me. ARCHER: Oh, yeah, uh, about 288 00:13:49,798 --> 00:13:54,584 that... CYRIL: So, I have a question. 289 00:13:54,598 --> 00:13:57,933 Since we're now essentially captives of the Cali cartel, 290 00:13:57,944 --> 00:14:01,078 and being dragged off to God knows what terrible fate... 291 00:14:01,088 --> 00:14:04,673 Why the hell are you smiling?! ARCHER: A-- we're not their 292 00:14:04,684 --> 00:14:07,151 captives; we're about to be their business partners. 293 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:09,977 B-- I bet there's a pretty decent chance La Madrina owns 294 00:14:09,987 --> 00:14:13,005 a tiger. And C-- "guapo" means 295 00:14:13,014 --> 00:14:15,163 "handsome." (Cyril and Ray sigh) 296 00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:18,506 (ringtone playing) RAY: It's your mother. 297 00:14:18,516 --> 00:14:20,516 ARCHER: Wha...? Give me that. 298 00:14:20,524 --> 00:14:22,524 MALORY: "Putting pressure on him." 299 00:14:22,531 --> 00:14:25,082 If anything, I've been too lax, but please, let me benefit from 300 00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,090 your vast experience as a mother and... 301 00:14:27,097 --> 00:14:28,713 RAY: Hey! MALORY: Hello, Ray? 302 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,219 Put Sterling on the... RAY: Hey, damn it, Archer! 303 00:14:30,224 --> 00:14:31,891 Give it h... ARCHER: Give... Ray, give 304 00:14:31,898 --> 00:14:33,564 it... Ray, give it. RAY: I'm serious. 305 00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:35,037 I'm serious, Archer, cut it out. 306 00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:36,909 ARCHER: Damn it, give it here. 307 00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:38,883 (tires screech and guns fire) MALORY (gasps): Sterling? 308 00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:41,140 (beep) OPERATOR: The mailbox of... 309 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:44,115 (Archer laughing) ...is full. 310 00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:47,776 Good-bye. (Malory groans) 311 00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:50,004 OPERATOR: If you're satisfied with your voice mail greeting, 312 00:14:50,012 --> 00:14:52,813 press one. (Archer chuckles) 313 00:14:52,822 --> 00:14:54,822 RAY: How did you...? ARCHER: You remember that day 314 00:14:54,829 --> 00:14:56,829 I took your falafel, and you were chasing me all around the 315 00:14:56,837 --> 00:14:59,087 living room in your wheelchair? RAY: Yes. 316 00:14:59,094 --> 00:15:01,828 ARCHER: Yeah, so I recorded that, added some sound effects, 317 00:15:01,837 --> 00:15:04,771 mixed it, called my phone and left it as a message, stole your 318 00:15:04,781 --> 00:15:08,366 phone, got into the voice mail settings, called your phone from 319 00:15:08,377 --> 00:15:11,128 a landline and played the message from my phone, then put 320 00:15:11,137 --> 00:15:14,038 your phone back. Which I think is why it sounds 321 00:15:14,048 --> 00:15:16,048 a little compressed, but whatever. 322 00:15:16,055 --> 00:15:18,055 RAY: The... ARCHER: Shut up, we're here. 323 00:15:18,062 --> 00:15:22,248 And remember, I got dibs on the tiger. 324 00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:27,347 LA MADRINA: Well, I have to admit, Mr. Archer, your proposal 325 00:15:27,362 --> 00:15:30,313 is very... surprising. ARCHER: Not as surprising as 326 00:15:30,322 --> 00:15:33,456 somebody named The Godmother looking like you. 327 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,117 (La Madrina laughs) LA MADRINA: Really. 328 00:15:36,126 --> 00:15:38,977 And what were you expecting? ARCHER: I guess like a 329 00:15:38,987 --> 00:15:41,971 Mexican Mrs. Garrett? LA MADRINA: ?Qu?? 330 00:15:41,980 --> 00:15:43,980 ARCHER: Or Colombian, or whatever, I... 331 00:15:43,987 --> 00:15:45,920 (La Madrina shushes) LA MADRINA: You talk almost 332 00:15:45,927 --> 00:15:48,011 too much. But you have aroused my 333 00:15:48,019 --> 00:15:51,854 curiosity. ARCHER: Just your curiosity? 334 00:15:51,865 --> 00:15:55,016 (La Madrina chuckles) LA MADRINA: No. 335 00:15:55,027 --> 00:15:57,828 (Archer coughing) But first, business, then 336 00:15:57,837 --> 00:16:01,839 pleasure, eh? (Archer coughing) 337 00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:04,352 ARCHER: Wha... LA MADRINA: Javier! 338 00:16:04,361 --> 00:16:06,361 JAVIER: S?, Madrina. LA MADRINA: Pru?balo, por 339 00:16:06,368 --> 00:16:09,869 favor. If it is as pure as you say, 340 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,297 and you have as much as you say... 341 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,390 ARCHER: Oh, my God, we've got something like 900,000 342 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,599 kilos. LA MADRINA: Eh, ?cuanto? 343 00:16:17,606 --> 00:16:20,207 ARCHER: Wait, no, that's grams, so... 344 00:16:20,216 --> 00:16:23,501 LA MADRINA: So, 900 kilos. ARCHER: I... however many are 345 00:16:23,512 --> 00:16:26,062 in a shit-ton. JAVIER: Permiso, Madrina. 346 00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:29,188 Noventa y seis por ciento puro. LA MADRINA: ?Vaya! 347 00:16:29,198 --> 00:16:34,585 A toast, then, to new friends. ARCHER: Just friends? 348 00:16:34,601 --> 00:16:38,686 LA MADRINA: No. (Archer coughing) 349 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:43,985 So, shall we have sex? (Archer coughing) 350 00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:55,093 CYRIL: Oh, man... How is it noon? 351 00:16:55,124 --> 00:16:58,042 And where the heck is Archer? RAY: I assume bothering a 352 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:01,719 tiger. ARCHER: Oh, God. 353 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:05,198 Please, no m?s. Oh, my God. 354 00:17:05,209 --> 00:17:08,077 LA MADRINA: Oh, are you sure? ARCHER: I was sure, like, 355 00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:10,087 three hours ago. And back then, I could still 356 00:17:10,094 --> 00:17:12,394 feel my legs. LA MADRINA: Are you sure you 357 00:17:12,402 --> 00:17:15,353 cannot make love to me just once more? 358 00:17:15,362 --> 00:17:17,579 ARCHER: Not without a blood transfusion, no. 359 00:17:17,587 --> 00:17:19,787 (La Madrina sighs) LA MADRINA: Very well. 360 00:17:19,795 --> 00:17:22,663 ARCHER: Ow! RAY: Which is why you don't 361 00:17:22,672 --> 00:17:24,672 bother tigers. LA MADRINA: Then you may call 362 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:29,115 me Coronel Ana Maria Delgado de la Polic?a Nacional. 363 00:17:29,129 --> 00:17:31,295 ARCHER: What?! LA MADRINA: S?, mi amor. 364 00:17:31,302 --> 00:17:34,137 I am-- how you say?-- deep cover. 365 00:17:34,146 --> 00:17:36,596 (whistles) ARCHER: Wait, no! 366 00:17:36,605 --> 00:17:38,855 No, no, no, no, no! RAY: At least let me take 367 00:17:38,863 --> 00:17:44,333 some churros! LA MADRINA: Malditos gringos. 368 00:17:44,349 --> 00:17:47,584 As if American demand for coca?na wasn't already 369 00:17:47,594 --> 00:17:52,230 destroying us, now you even try to smuggle it into my country? 370 00:17:52,244 --> 00:17:54,661 You make me sick! ARCHER: Then why'd you have 371 00:17:54,669 --> 00:17:56,786 sex with me? LA MADRINA: Por qu?? 372 00:17:56,794 --> 00:18:00,796 Eres guapo. A La Culebra! 373 00:18:00,808 --> 00:18:06,195 (Malory mumbling) LANA: So, I get that you're 374 00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:10,496 mad, but they are in pretty dangerous territory, and Ray 375 00:18:10,509 --> 00:18:14,361 always answers his phone in the field, so I'm... 376 00:18:14,373 --> 00:18:17,407 actually worried. MALORY: Well, if you're so 377 00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:19,633 worried, why don't you go down there and rescue him? 378 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,892 LANA: I... MALORY: Please? 379 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:26,819 (crying): Go find my son and bring him home to me. 380 00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:30,735 ARCHER: And I didn't even get to meet her tiger. 381 00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:34,933 If she even had a tiger. Plus, at this rate, we're gonna 382 00:18:34,946 --> 00:18:37,062 run out of coke, huh? RAY: Now, there's a moot 383 00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:39,070 point. CYRIL: Since we're being 384 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:42,445 trucked off to La Culebra, the most notorious prison in South 385 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,722 America. ARCHER: Pff, notorious. 386 00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:46,647 Cyril, please, I was in the Lubyanka. 387 00:18:46,654 --> 00:18:48,938 CYRIL: Well, were you sent there by an undercover cop who 388 00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:51,496 knows she'll be murdered if anyone finds out she's La 389 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,538 Madrina? ARCHER: No, idiot, I was... 390 00:18:53,545 --> 00:18:55,679 Oh. (Ray sighs) 391 00:18:55,686 --> 00:18:57,686 CYRIL: Yeah, so how long do do you think we're gonna last 392 00:18:57,694 --> 00:18:59,694 in prison? ARCHER: Hmm. 393 00:18:59,701 --> 00:19:02,535 (laughs) If we even make it to prison! 394 00:19:02,544 --> 00:19:08,164 Am I right, fellas? Fellas, am I right? 395 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:11,482 Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I'm gonna do, 396 00:19:11,493 --> 00:19:13,493 I swear to God... RAY: If you say "buy a 397 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,811 tiger," we will beat you to death with your own shoes. 398 00:19:19,861 --> 00:19:30,371 Sync and corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 399 00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:34,971 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0